Satan’s Catechism

Satan StatueA thought-provoking article in Touchstone magazine gave me inspiration for this article. Dr. Marcus Johnson wrote “Who’s Your Teacher?” in the September / October issue of Touchstone. The by-line of the article was “Our Sacred Duty to Teach the Devil to Death.” Dr. Johnson got me thinking about the subject of “Satan’s Catechism.” In a similar manner to C.S. Lewis, who wrote The Screwtape Letters to give people an insight into the Devil’s wily ways, wouldn’t it be helpful for people to have Satan’s Small Catechism in their hands – written out, easily memorized, so that they can know and identify what he believes, teaches, and confesses in his attempt to tear them asunder from Christ?

It would not be hard to write, edit, and publish Satan’s catechism, because it my “heart language” (I think I may have just thrown up a little in my mouth having used that phrase). Because of my inherited, sinful nature Satan’s catechism flows from my will, my mouth, and my hands with ease. My old Adam can quote Satan’s catechism with ease and he loves to keep its table of duties.

Initially my goal for this article was to use my creative energies to give you a copy of Satan’s catechism, but then I thought, “I’m not the only expert in this matter.” I also thought it would be easier to edit the catechism than write it.  Finally, I’m enlisting you because the editors of Brothers have been after us writers to publish some articles quickly because “the hopper is running low.” (I think I may have actually just given you an example of keeping Satan’s Small Catechism by self-justifying my sloth.)

So, here’s your mission (because the church should be missional) should you decide to accept it. Contribute to Satan’s Small Catechism. Use your understanding of the Father of Lies and expose his works and ways here. What are his six chief parts? What are his commandments? What is his creed? his sacraments? his table of duties?

I will begin with a few contributions:

The Creed of Satan: I believe God is love and He wouldn’t judge anyone.

Many have said that abortion is the sacrament of liberals. Abortion certainly is one of Satan’s Sacraments because it stands in complete opposition to Jesus’ Word in Mark 9, “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me.” (9:37 ESV). The Christian life is lived outside of self in faith toward God and love toward neighbor. Abortion is an unholy “sacrament” that confesses faith and love in self and hatred towards your nearest and weakest neighbor.

Write away!

About Pastor Bruce Timm

Pastor Timm serves Redeemer Evangelical Lutheran Church in Saint Cloud, Minnesota. He is married to Valerie and they have four children - three "mostly grown" daughters and one son at home. Pastor Timm was ordained in Lutheran Church - Canada in 1988 and served in the LCC until 2001 when he began serving Redeemer. He "enjoys" maintaining the fleet of cars he owns for his children, exercising his second amendment rights, and discovering the delights of single malt beverages from Scotland. He is a Saint Louis grad, but is regularly confused with graduates of Fort Wayne. He takes that as a compliment.


Satan’s Catechism — 13 Comments

  1. An interesting challenge, Pr. Timm.

    In my years working in systematics, one of the convictions I’ve gained is that God’s Word is able to be systematized because it is Truth– and Truth is never contradictory, wherever it is encountered. Truth is rational, even supra-rational, but sometimes beyond the capacity of man. Truth is infinite because it emerges from God Himself, and the only way man understands any aspect of Truth, is because God condescends to make Himself and His Truth known, and gives man a capacity to know Him by His Spirit working through His Word.

    On the contrary, evil is never really systematic, because it does not correlate to Truth, and contradicts itself regularly. It is illogical and irrational, though often embraced by man’s fallen and limited intellect. It is naturally known by man’s fallen and twisted powers. It uses power to suppress Truth, even if only in the short term, though it knows it cannot hold out forever. It is finite and short lived, with death and judgment its only end, because it rebels against the eternal Truth and life of God.

    I think the Satanist Crowley articulated it well when he said, “Do as thou will is the whole of the law.” Satan’s rebellion as well as man’s is summarized as the following of one’s own will against all others… including the ultimate truth and life of God’s Will. It is a complete severance of faith, and only a word of demonic law– one that delivers to its followers nothing but the eternal death and separation of hell.

  2. @Brad #1

    Very good commentary Brad – Satan’s catechism will not be rational and in many ways will resist “systematizing.” But when did being irrational ever stop people from believing the father of lies?

  3. Certainly the table of duties would include attacking the most important things God creates for our benefit, such as marriage, life and family.

  4. All I know is that abortion is the chief sacrament, because the words of institution for it are a horrible profaning of Christ’s Institution of the Holy Eucharist, “This is MY body.”

  5. @Robert Catherwood Jr. #3

    Indeed. Murder and Adultery/Fornication/Sodomy/etc., have been instrumental to demonic associations since the beginning… as demonstrated by the ancient pagan gatherins around Moloch, Baal, Ashteroth, and others. Nothing but the window dressing has really changed.

  6. Lewis did write Screwtape Letters but he didn’t enjoy the task according to his own report.

    Be careful that this isn’t an invitation to dwell on topics that might better send you to confession (and feel happily justified in so dwelling, because you “are contributing to an article”).

    “Do as thou will is the whole of the law.” –Satanist Crowley

    What more needs to be said? The sad results turn up every day in the news, all different, all the same.

  7. I started looking at this from a different viewpoint. Instead of Satan’s Catechism, more like an anti-catechism that contained some of scripture, but twisted it, of course. Part one like this:

    Ten Commandments
    1. Thou shall have thy personal “god” before all others
    a) What does this mean: That you will choose the characteristics and benefits of your own “god”, and frequently refer to them as “your God/Jesus/Buddha”.
    2. Thou shall not overuse the name of your “god”
    a) What does this mean: “god” is a great way to express yourself in conversation, but if you keep dropping it into your dialogue, it will get tiresome. Make sure you use the full range of your four letter vocabulary.
    3. Remember the Sabbath day, and keep it however you choose.
    a) What does this mean: Remember that you have one day a week to sleep, or watch football, or do anything else except go to church, that would ruin the one day that you have for yourself.
    4. Recognize your Parental Guardian #1 and if you have one, Parental Guardian #2, #3, #4 etc.
    a) What does this mean: Remember that you have this person (or these people), and thank them for giving you the basic necessities for living. Unless, of course, they are homophobic, islamophobic, mysgonists. Then feel free to remove them from your life by any means necessary. (see next commandment)
    5. Thou shalt not murder, unless it is necessary.
    a) What does this mean: That killing people is generally bad, but there are times when people just have to die. Like when that baby dares to inconvenience you by invading your body. Or if there would be pain otherwise. It’s always a good thing to avoid any pain and suffering.
    6. Thou shalt not limit thy sexual drive.
    a) What does this mean: Since we have evolved from animals, we should take every opportunity to behave like them, especially when it comes to our sexuality. Oh, and monogamy is for suckers.
    7. Thou shalt not respect the personal property of others.
    a) What does this mean: Nobody else can seem to know how effectively their things could be used, so they don’t deserve to have them. Feel free to relieve them of the burden of unspent potential in their things.
    8. Thou shalt not bear true witness against thy neighbor.
    a) What does this mean: The truth often hurts, like telling your spouse that you had an affair, or that he/she looks fat in those pants. So instead coat everything with the soft cushion of a lie. After all, it is the kindest thing you could ever do for a person.
    9. Thou shall not openly covet thy neighbor’s house.
    a) What does this mean: We all know that you want to get your hands on your neighbor’s stuff, but scheme and plot in secret so that he doesn’t even realize it until you have taken away everything of value.
    10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife, his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.
    a) What does this mean: That you won’t covet it, but instead will focus on going out and getting bigger, better, and more attractive things than your neighbor has, all to make him envy you.

  8. So, do we have the first article of his creed?
    “I believe God is love and He wouldn’t judge anyone, because there is no satan to accuse.”
    We need to know his second and third articles, to be prepared.

  9. I believe it was Alestair Crowley who summed up Satan’s Cathechism quite succinctly: Do what thou wilt is the whole of the law.

  10. Another way to say Crowley’s commandment: Thou shalt have no other gods but thyself.

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