You Might Be A Lutheran Nerd If…

And now for something completely different.

Some people do their nails while watching TV, others read the paper. I often sit around and ponder anything from the profound depths of Lutheran theology to the hazy heights of the Misty Mountains. Yes, that’s right. I may not be a redneck (well, the jury’s still out on that) but I am definitely a Lutheran nerd. So, to all you fellow Lutheran nerds out there, the noobs, the wannabes and the white wizards, this one’s for you. And if you have any contributions, by all means, join the fun. This is not an exhaustive list by any means. In fact, it’s a work in progress. Maybe we’ll even start a new internet youtube show: Are You Smarter Than A Catechumen?

So, enjoy. And without further adieu…in no particular order, E-nklings proudly presents…

You might be a Lutheran nerd if…

  1. You ever thought of beginning your sermons with, “Pastor’s Log, stardate SeriesB Mark1:40-45”
  2. You’d like to see your church council role-play the Council of Elrond, just to see someone dressed up like a dwarf (and to dust off those costumes in your closet).
  3. Upon reading the Small Catechism you conclude you must somehow now be immune to Lex Luther’s plans to infiltrate the world with kryptonite.
  4. You respond to Obi Wan’s “The Force be with you” with an emphatic…”And with thy spirit.”
  5. You’ve ever considered writing the church supply company requesting that they make an incense scent entitled, “Long-Bottom Leaf.”
  6. Upon hearing any pirate call out, “Hoist the colors!” You reply quickly and thoughtfully, “Which season of the church year is it?”
  7. You’ve ever daydreamed of replacing your board of elders with protocol droids.
  8. You envision ecumenical relations as a world where one day the Star Wars and Star Trek fans can all get along and watch sci-fi together.
  9. You wish that the creation account ended with the words: “Make it so.”
  10. You’ve ever eaten like a hobbit at a church pot luck.
  11. You mistook the 11:00 service for elevensies and brought enough to share.
  12. You instruct your altar guild to design paraments with a Lion on them, preferably in the colors of Gryffindor, please.
  13. You can’t wait to celebrate the eleventy first anniversary of your congregation. Speech! Speech!
  14. You looked for snow once in the narthex wardrobe when you thought no one else was looking.
  15. You or your pastor had black-framed glasses before Rob Bell made them trendy. Ooh wee ooh I look just like Buddy Holly!
  16. You start up a game of Quidditch at the church picnic.
  17. You think closing existing campus ministries is worse than the treason of Isengard.
  18. You’ve created your own strategy game, Settlers of Capernaum.
  19. You’ve ever compared those sticky midwest (or dry Las Vegas) summers to the fires of Mt. Doom.
  20. You accidentally sung elves and archangels during the Sanctus.
  21. You knew exactly why (and where it came from) the quotation “The Last Enemy to be destroyed is Death” was written on the tombstone in Godric’s Hollow.
  22. You planted a new church and pushed for the idea of naming it, St. Reepicheep Lutheran Church. We love church mice!
  23. You think Hermione Granger would make a great deaconess.
  24. You’ve ever been caught trying to see if the preschool classroom pets will talk back to you like those talking animals in Narnia.
  25. You’ve ever wished you had Susan’s horn to blow in the middle of sitting through a contemporary worship service.
  26. You instruct the ushers to invite people into the nave of the church by saying, “Further up and further in.”
  27. You refer to your old Adam as your old Gollum and love the “two natures” scene in LOTR.
  28. You refer to My Preciousss as an example of the 1st Commandment.
  29. When you’r watching Star Wars and you hear,  “Luke, I am your father” the 4th Commandment comes into your mind.
  30. You think Jar Jar Binks is a manifestation of the anti-Christ.
  31. You know the Lord’s Prayer in Quenya and Sindarin…oh, and Klingon.
  32. Anything that’s bigger on the inside than it is on the outside (Tardis, Hermione’s purse and tent; the stable in Narnia, etc.) makes you think of the manger.
  33. Yoda’s famous phrase: “Do or do not; there is no try” has been quoted in a sermon or discussion about the Law.
  34. You agree that Star Wars Episodes I, II, and III are the geeky version of Melanchthon’s Variata.
  35. You finally realized that Snape is one of the most Christological characters in Harry Potter.
  36. You’d love to sit down and talk Christian apologetics with Sheldon Cooper even though you totally love using his theory on gift giving for an illustration of the Law.
  37. You actually understand that myth doesn’t really mean what the atheists think it means and that fairy stories point to the one great and true story.
  38. You got any of these jokes and musings and found them even remotely funny.
  39. And you’re already thinking of some more to add to this list.

Stay Lutheran (and nerdy), my friends.

About Pastor Sam Schuldheisz

Pastor Schuldheisz serves as Pastor at Redeemer Lutheran Church, Huntington Beach, CA. He graduated in 2004 from Concordia University Irvine. And he is a 2008 graduate of Concordia Theological Seminary, Fort Wayne, Indiana. Pastor Schuldheisz is also blessed in marriage to his wife of 7 years, Natasha. Together they enjoy the blessings of parenthood with their daughter Zoe. And when he’s not writing sermons or changing diapers, he enjoys reading and writing about the works of the Inklings and other belletristic literature, and Christian apologetics. He’s even been known to answer to Pastor Samwise on occasion.

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