SATIRE: Eight Armed Oracle Predicts Harrison Victory

A friend sent this to me and I thought I would pass it on to you.

By Daniel Bourke-Bourke

(RSNS) Paul, an octopus in Oberhausen, Germany, gained international notariety by amazing fans with his correct World Cup picks. The magnificent mollusk accurately predicted the outcome of all of Germany’s matches by choosing between two mouthwatering mussels, one for Germany and one for its opponent.

Paul is now attempting to soothsay outside the world of sport, and is making a foray into the ecclesial realm. On Tuesday, July 13, in Houston, Texas, the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod will meet in a plenary session to decide who will be the president of that church body. But if Paul’s track record for picking winners is any indication, the outcome won’t be surprising. The tentacled football forecaster thinks that the Rev. Matt Harrison will beat the incumbent, the Rev. Dr. Jerry Kieschnick, in what could be the Synod’s closest election ever. At the Oberhausen-based aquarium, Paul wasted no time devouring the mussel that was held inside a container bearing a picture of Harrison’s bespeckled and mustachioed visage.

An unconfirmed rumor stated that the eight-armed oracle has been involved in church politics once before when Paul allegedly predicted that Cardinal Ratzinger would be the next Pontiff. Versions of the story have Paul choosing between 90 different princes of the church, a departure from his usual practice of deciding between only two contenders.

It is unknown whether Paul the octopus will be given the opportunity to predict the winner in upcoming Anglican or Presbyterian leadership races.


SATIRE: Eight Armed Oracle Predicts Harrison Victory — 16 Comments

  1. I think the Rev. Matt Harrison hardly needs the support of a sooth-saying octopus. Predictions are a complete waste of time. What is important now is that delegates still have time to do their homework and make an informed and godly choice. Who cares who might ‘likely’ win–it is not for us to hold our finger to the wind.

    We have an opportunity this week, in the year of our Lord Twenty-Ten, to choose a well-qualified candidate who is a real change from the incumbant, one who is well-grounded in Scripture and sound, Biblical doctrine. Even if Benny Hinn, Joel Osteen, Joyce Meyer, Marilyn Hickey, and Pat Robertson all predicted the outcome of Tuesday’s vote unanimously, it would mean absolutely nothing! God can make the impossible happen, should it serve His purposes. God can use a nobody like David to slay Goliath, regardless of prior divinations and carefully researched predictions weighing all imaginable factors.

    Asking “Who is likely to win?” is simply asking the wrong question. The right question to be asking is “Who should be elected, and why. Forget how anyone else is going to vote–that is irrelevant. May God help each and every delegate to make a good God-pleasing decision which will glorify God. We should seek God’s will, based on what God reveals about His will in Holy Scripture. All delegates and members of LCMS congregations should avoid slander, but lovingly make a case for the candidate of their choice for godly reasons to those who seek guidance in making a wise decision. May God not abandon the Missouri Synod, but rather re-direct it in a way that is pleasing to Him.

  2. Okay,
    Paul was under huge pressure to predict P. Ratzinger, he had to vote German.
    Any other vote ,would would not create unity or continuity.
    (besides, Bayrischer are scary when upset. lol)

  3. Has anybody commented from the floor yet that after adopting all of these proposals, there will be nothing to really stop the president from pursuing whatever agenda he wants? These are conservative people, they should know the danger of having no checks and balances. Corporations have boards of directors, governments separate powers, etc. Lutherans, of all people, should appreciate the danger and oppose having one sinner having control over church operations and funds, essentially accountable to nobody, even for three years.

  4. Okay,
    I am the only one who saw…the first word IN CAPS?….Here… on this post…SATIRE?!
    These folks who are now visiting…not least of which, those we know & luv, who post articles or post regularly are…?!
    There was very little to give a grin today.

    The least of we can do, for those we esteem, is give them a bit o’ grin. That is the very least, we here can do, how can you not w/this post, thanx Mollie!!!

    Never loose your sense of humor, even though & no matter what.
    WE ARE TALKING ABOUT AN OCTOPUS! A 8 legged (?) sea creature that predicted the present POPE….in GERMANY….where said creature is dwelling…in Germany…the POPE!!!!

    I don’t care who ya ar’ ,….that’s funny!!!!

    Thanks bunches Mollie, & great job on Issues E. today! I was madly working out on my Gazelle, while listening. I had no feeling in my posterior, & I promised my husband I wouldn’t just sit here all day. I didn’t, and for a moment, you helped, “I cannot tell a lie…
    I did not sit…alllll daaaayyy, I …..did….work out…(kinda sorta…in a way…)”

    Let’s see, if the feverish effort on that thing, shows in Turks & Caicos in a week. Trust me, it had better!!!!! Or I will be rather put out, & I shall pass amendment to Houston for said non-issue of effect.
    (I almost hit a dog & scared 3 children…I only have 2!!! lol (we love to laugh….hahahaha, loud & long & clear…)


  5. Carl…
    Or on a plate…
    ck out W/O Reservations. 1000 uses for said issue. But of course, not for Paul…
    he is much to valuable…to someone at least…

  6. OOOOOoooo,
    Carl, are you a cheeky fellow! Ck’d out the Greek description….

    That is what will dinner after Teusday’s election main course will be….

    We love to laugh….hahahaha…loud & long & clear…..


  7. Scott,
    That is true. I have no clue what they eat, and the keeping doesn’t seem very humane or “green” to me. lol
    But…what would a mid-west kid know about an octopus. lol

  8. @ Scott Diekmann “I prefer the Magic 8 Ball…less maintenance”

    Ha ha.

    Humor is God’s gift, and in these times it is a blessing indeed.

  9. Scott,
    I was talkin’ about this midwest kid! lol
    I snorkel, but I’ve never seen one, wait…I did, in the zoo. But it did do anything like Paul!

  10. @boaz #4

    Dr Stoterau and Rev Buegler (FC8 chair and co-chair) are very adept at deflecting these types of questions from the podium. If they can’t answer the question, they tell the convention what their “intention” was/is behind the resolution and that they’ll leave it up to the CCM, or the CTCR, or someone else to make the decision, and everybody usually accepts it, even though the “resolves” don’t match with what the by-law changes somtimes will mandate.

    “Call the question” seems to be what most people want to hear. I’m amazed at the lack of debate going on. The big resolution, 8-08, was barely discussed before debate was cut off.

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